Life's rainbow.

Phone call....

"You're asking ME to buy a vacuum cleaner?"

"Alaaaa, it's an innovative invention la, if you and your kids are suffering from sinus, you might learn one or two really new things from the demo ok!"

"Ok..... how much?"

"U listen to them first laaa. It's like insurance, you listen now, but not necessarily buy now, three years down the road kee."

"The demo is tonite, u sure that thing don't shoot if I decided not to buy?"

"I'm still alive right?"

"Ko tak beli pas tu suruh aku BELI?"

...................

That nite.... SMS "Nope, it doesn't do bjs!"

I was just giggling away with my husb at that.

NEXT DAY .....



baibon: New Volkswagen Scirocco fits my need exactly- power, handling, looks good to

Mainey #: I like Skoda Roomster

baibon: But I wont be buying it because the price is at a ridiculous RM260k

Mainey: But... you spent stupid amount of money on fixing your Alfa.

baibon: which brings me to my point

baibon: The water-vacum-that-doesnt-do-blowjobs is great but for nearly RM8k? it's ridiculously overpriced

baibon: if it's sub RM4k then I would've bought it on the spot

baibon: anyways except for the ability to become an air cleaner there's nothing special about the unit apart from being really high quality and I assume excellent support/warranty

Mainey #: Zain..... u bought your remote airplanes for how much?

baibon: For RM8k I would've bought a 52inch TV

Mainey #: ok laaa ok laaaa

baibon: those habuk/dust mites they show? they've been around us for thousands of years- it is in EVERY home, our antibodies handle them naturally.

Mainey #: okaaay okaay okaay

baibon: It's good to have la but not necessary unless your house really really kotor/dusty environment

baibon: all I ask for that price is a blowjob functionality- is that too much to ask for?

Mainey #: nanti i cross ref ngan Iskandar

baibon: I saw his name in the list - dia tangkap satu

baibon: ....sucker

baibon: hahaha

Mainey #: seeeeeriouuussss??? but he said his mom has 4 of those already

Mainey #: that his mom collects vacuum cleaners dowh

Mainey #: ok la, I pegi pinjam la dia punya *cheapskate

baibon: pinjam why? didnt I tell you it doesnt do bjs?

Mainey #: zain, i'm a woman.... remember?

baibon: yeah but it helps you do your work

Mainey #: oh yeaaaaahhh laaaaa

The Secret - my version

Ashe: Ooooo, ko jumpa Rizal Shah ada masa, ngan aku asyik kensel. Takpe la, aku sedar sekarang sapa diri aku ni.

Mainey: Daaaah laaa tuu, drama king pulak laaaa buruk sunggoh. If you can drive over to my area, we have lunch together. Come over this Friday?

Ashe: I am putting it down the second time in my Blackberry and I'M NOT cancelling it again! Dah la tak jumpa dah 20 years, ajak bukak posa boleh lak datang cam VIP kul 10!

Mainey: Eh, I ni kan blue blood, kira bagus la I nak mencemar duli tau!. Okaaayy, okaaayyy. Jom makan, put time put place.

Facebook has its advantages and disadvantages. But I like that it does this to me, I found my childhood friends in Damansara Utama, those who played adang-adang, teng-teng, basikal with me.

And I found most of my primary school mates, one of the best times of my life.

Ash: U ingat tak Raymond?

Mainey: Of course la I ingat, I always thought he's a phoney rich kid. But.... takkan la whole year through he could treat us all 20 orang for those free McD's and KFC meals kan?

Ash: Eih, his company is now supporting Google Asia and Microsoft Asia ok! Dah la mamat tu one time kitaorang panggil dia Muhammad Raymond, dia mati-mati nak masuk Islam.

Mainey: Serious?

Ash: Not anymore la, lepas dia jumpa awek Cina. And remember Haris we met that day?

Mainey: Yeah, he gave me his card masa bukak posa hari tu. VP of Khazanah... but Khazanah kan full of VPs?

Ash: That is just one of his portfolio babe. He is sitting on BOD for CIMB ok!

Mainey: But he was like a nucleus dowh kat sekolah, biar benar!

Ash: And Fazlan, anak Txxxxxx Ramli tu, kan you jumpa dia jugak. Nampak sempoi je kan.

Ash: He handles quite a sum of his dad's properties. Come nanti kita gi ranch dia sesama kat Kuang. The best horses around are in his ranch.

Mainey: Oh, I remember... the whole family never had any air of snobbishness. He was telling me about his two kids and how he needs to spend more time with them.

Ash: Ikhwan you tak jumpa kan.

Mainey: I saw him walking towards his car. Dia tak bawak wife dia ye?

Ash: Wardina? Eh, I told him not to la, nanti semua orang tak leh focus. Hahhaha!

Mainey: You sorang je la yang bother nak buat gathering suma ni.

Ash: Eh, kat sekolah kita ada ke bercakap?

Mainey: Mana adaaaa, you tu sikit lagi nak kena tampar by me ada laa.

Ash: Apsal?

Mainey: Sesuka hati nak cium orang depan cikgu. Budak gila!

He was laughing his head off. 'Ah, ah, dulu Nina Kxxxxla.... dia kejar aku dengar ruler besi, nasib baik tak belubang peha aku! Aku pegang tangan dia jeeee.'

.......

Being in my line of profession, doubled up with being the second in its ecosystem, there's only so much superficial conversations -- over trade shows, over demanding principal, over change management, over high attrition rate.

T'built a barrier around me, thou shall not speak unless spoken to. Coz I will speak to only those I know, for the sakes of self preservation.

...

We went on talking over lunch coz I know, stuff on facebook would intrigue him to delve further, I just wanted to know how old friends are doing.

Then came the question, "Ko nak keje makan gaji berapa lama lagi ni? Mind me for jumping the gun. Our communication gap was 24 years, but coming from a guy who spoke to thousands of loan applicants... rugi la ko ni tak buat something on your own."

......

Ko tanak dengar la apa yang aku buat. Thank God my husband je has the same vibes.

Aku penat penat datang ni, ko jgn tanak citer sampai habis. Shoot it now please eh!

Ok! But... don't laugh!

... we want to venture into agriculture. Yeah... we don't know shit about it, but at least the affection on the idea is there.

Wooohhhh! *He shook my hand. I'm looking forward to that too.

Then, he went on talking about his cousin's farm of sheeps in Taiping, and how it is done with state of the art agrotech with... a lot of love.

I smiled at him and said that I probably can't really get onto hands-on models. It is 'kayu gaharu' I am looking at.

Then he said 'Jatropha'?

Shit..... you know about it?

Of course! I know about it inside out cuma tanah aje aku takde - you got land?

And I probably know about it 1/5 of what you know but about land, I'm working on it.

We both just stared at each other.... in hundreds and thousands of friends, what is the possibilities of someone forcing you to meet up again after two decades, let alone the possibilities of speaking about the most obscure agriculture idea.

It boggles my mind again, on Law of Attraction and what we doa for.

..... God, You Are The Ultimate wonder.

Hajat Mama.

Tahun lepas mama tak dapat balik KB, masa tu dah masuk third trimester. Tahun sebelum tu; 2007, mama was still single. Your papa, who was then still courting me, dapat berpuasa dengan mama sampai malam sebelum raya pertama kat KB sebelum orang kat KB ingat Tok We Mo (your maternal great grand mother) tu tiba-tiba terlebih sporting bagi bakal cucu menantu tidur kat rumah.



Tiap-tiap tahun sejak Allahyarham Tok We Mi (your maternal great grandfather) meninggal, mama cuba ikut routine raya dia. You know Amer, he's such a father figure to the whole family. He just needs to say things once, semua takkan banyak cakap, ikut aje.



Pagi Raya, yang perempuan siapkan kuih, breakfast, gosok baju, sapu rumah and stack up all the tilam and bantal yang terbentang banyak-banyak depan tv.



Lepas breakfast, all the men will go for sembahyang raya, baru yang perempuan masuk bilik, dress up. Tok We Mo will surely make her cucu pakai barang kemas purba dia tu.



Sudah waktu sembahyang barulah kita semua bersalaman, pas duit raya.



Lepas tu terus rumah yang boleh tahan sempit tu mula penuh. Agaknya ruang guest room boleh muat 10 orang aje atas sofa, dining table iye la 6 orang, lepas tu 6 - 7 orang bersila atas lantai.



Macam tu la sampai ke senja.



Dulu masa mama muda lagi, mesti mama komplen aje tak sudah. Orang lain raya dapat bejalan, dapat melawa. Mama kena buat air teh, basuh cawan, ganti pinggan. Walaupun beramai buat kerja tapi tetap penat sangat.

Lepas tu baru mama sedar, tetamu rumah tu adalah rezeki. Sampai sekarang, daripada orang yang datang tu lah macam-macam info boleh dapat, semua orang ikhlas sangat kalau nak kongsi info. Slowly, mama belajar tolong layan guests, tak kira tua ke, warak sangat ke, anak cucu orang ke.


Suara Allahyarham Tok We Mi selalu yang paling clear, boleh didengar dari dapur.



Mama tak ingat apa yang diborakkan, tapi mama ingat tone suara orang yang datang. Semuanya ramah, semuanya berbunyi kasih.



Raya kedua baru lah boleh pegi satu dua rumah waktu pagi. Mesti take turns adik beradik supaya ada orang jaga rumah.



Tapi pagi raya kedua, kita semua ke kubur dulu.



Masa tu, tanah kubur keluarga kita baru ada liang lahat untuk lima orang aje kot.



Amer, kali ni, mama balik bawak anak mama, bawak suami mama.



Mama cuma nak semua orang dalam keluarga mama satu hari nanti kalau bukan sekarang, ingat, kita kat dunia ni sekejap saja.



Mama selalu imagine bila kita semua berkumpul bertingkat generasi in the afterlife. Arwah daddy mama mesti suka sangat kalau dia dapat hidup sampai kenal cucu. Tahu tak, your arwah nenek (paternal great grandmother) will surely riba you lama-lama and take you for a long evening walks kalau dia masih ada.

Kita beruntung tau, sebab kita dilahirkan dalam agama yang janjikan kita akhirat, bukannya reincarnation. Kita kena faham kenapa.

Amer nampak tak anak kambing kat tengah-tengah tu. You thought it was a cat!

Tahun ni, mama memang tak dapat ziarah banyak rumah di KB. Tahun depan pun agaknya kita tak balik, tengok lah keadaan, walaupun kalau boleh, selagi ada Tok We Mo, kita mesti temankan dia masa Raya.

I'm glad your papa took this photo. Amer, ingat ok, orang yang nak doakan kita masa hidup pun belum tentu ada. Ini kan lagi untuk yang dah tak ada.

Itu salah satu ukuran sejauh mana kita sayangkan orang.

Leader Bleeder

"The man who is worthy of being a leader of men will never complain about
the stupidity of his helpers, the ingratitude of mankind nor the inappreciation
of the public. These are all a part of the great game of life. To
meet them and overcome them and not to go down before them in disgust,
discouragement of defeat - that is the final proof of power."

- William J. H. Boetcker

If I were to read that towards 20 something pemakan gaji, they'd tune out--'I do not understand, what it is all about'. Or perhaps they'd nod in pretence of understanding.

.......

Would it be delusional for me to say I understood what being a leader is, what it can do, what it can destroy, so much earlier in life.

I saw what it did to late daddy, what it did to my mom, now.... what it is doing to me.

.... that it teaches me to understand specialization by gender. It puts that belief that if women can be a leader, it has to be done only with humility, with compassion.

What a disgrace to see the sight of women leaders who lose their feminisme the way Rafidah does it.

What a disgrace to see the sight of men leaders who makes workplace their territory for personal glory.

Leading is through being the one who keeps others engaged to your sense of guardianship.

Leading is through letting other people see their own qualities with clarity.

Leading is to have interest in having sincerity to work with people who can be better than us.

Today is the day I get that harsh flashbacks of my past comrades. The people who'd spend their dollars and cents, their sweat and blood, not primarily to chase money coz we hardly speak about it, but to keep everyone in the team up in pride, to keep the fun lingering.

..... I'm here and so far, I have proven that all our legacies are that of respectful substance.

If they are not blind and if I'm not full of myself and think I'm really holier than thou, that my personal integrity surpasses the need for silly signs of appreciation from people who don't matter to me.

Though, there is this very thin line where all that can just break into a thousand pieces like a thin piece of glass and hurt with great mess to everyone who steps on it.

The don'ts about what I eat.

First of all, I hate it when others want me to taste their food and they'd plonk it right in the middle of mine. That soooo should not be the way maaaan. I so damn pantang when I wanna have a damn good plate of carbonara pasta and someone just place a dollop of curry veal shank right there in the middle, spoils the whole damn thing.

Chicken Porridge

Porridge is not a porridge if it doesn't come with:
finely sliced young ginger
fried chopped garlic
squeezed lime

What makes it different than consuming rice is in the taste of one suddenly discovering the taste of the zingy ginger being bitten and the sour taste of lime that goes into the mouth but not within every spoon and the pungent taste of crunchy garlic.

That's the thing that makes chicken porridge different.

Malay Rice Meals

Makanan orang melayu is supposed to be just like our ancestors in the past; moderate, instead of elaborate.

It is in how one dish complements another onto the tongue, how the few type of tastes give us a myriad of gastronomical thoughts.

That's why, in Nasi Berlauk Kelantan, it is supposed to be only:
i. Nasi putih
ii. Gulai Kuning Ikan Tongkol (usually cooked with belimbing besi and some long beans).
iii. Sambal Tomato and Cili Merah (nooo belachan in there!)

There, you have vege, something spicy, something lemak accompanying the rich taste of ikan tongkol.

And one will get ultimate satisfaction in just having:
i. Kurma Chicken/Beef
ii. Ikan masin
iii. Sambal Belachan
in this concoction, you must make sure it is eaten with steamy hot rice. Foohhh!!!
and if anyone suddenly pour ikan masak asam pedas in it, youuuuuu will know what I meaaann when things shouldn't mix OK!

You might end up kena mandi kuah asam pedas!

Tonight, I am going to have Kurma chicken with potatoes and long beans in it together with ikan tenggiri bakar to be eaten with budu (the superb mind food of the aristocrats) and sambal cili mentah.

And hopefully all that will help me to wake up tomorrow feeling like a superhero.

*Wink!

Yang Membingitkan.

Memang..... dunia ini, aku pandang ke kanan.... ke kiri.... menakutkan.

Agaknya, sebab aku terlalu banyak melalui perjalanan melihat dengan mata hati.

Kalau boleh, aku tak mahu dapat melihat terlalu cepat, terlalu dekat, terlalu terang.

.... melainkan kalau yang aku nampak itu keikhlasan, kesederhanaan. Kalau yang gah, yang betul-betul mengagumkan, yang mulia.

Tuhan dah banyak menguji aku, dulu masa aku masih mentah, masih tak reti guna naluri dan hati, bagi aku naik Honda CBR, aku bangga. Bagi aku banyak duit, aku cakap besar. Bagi aku lelaki-lelaki handsome menunggu di kaki aku, aku permainkan. Bagi aku lelaki matang, kuat agama aku perlekehkan.

Sekarang bagi aku suami, aku kadang-kadang ambik lewa tanggungjawab aku. Kerja makan gaji aku yang asyik nak dimantapkan, bagaikan pulak majikan itu lebih besar dari Tuhan; dari perintah suami; dari suruhan mummy daddy.

Tuhan bagi aku anak yang cerdik akal fikiran dan ada minat ke arah irama zikir, aku asyik melambatkan pemberian tenaga ajar ku.

____________________________________

Kebelakangan ini, aku pelik dengan diri aku. Bawak kereta mewah, aku tak merasa muka aku jadi sombong dibelakang kaca mata hitam menekan minyak ke sana ke sini. Tak pulak aku merasa macam nak buat rancangan keluar pakai baju seksi aku dan tayang diri di tempat keramaian. Atau, sengaja nak letak kereta di depan tempat 'strategik', biar orang tahu.

Aku dengar orang kata, "bayar servis untuk perkhidmatan swasta lebih berbaloi, puluh ribu takpa, tapi hati lebih senang." Tapi, mata hati aku nampak, sebenarnya betapa sakitnya mental si riak itu memikirkan bila hutangnya nak habis.

Sejak menjadi seorang ibu, aku lebih dapat melihat kedalam jiwa aku sendiri. Baik buruk aku sebagai seorang anak. Jasa mummy itu setinggi mana.

Adakah antara yang di ajar cikgu disekolah apa itu menyayangi dengan saksama? What is unconditional love?

Sana-sini zaman sekarang ibu-bapa melahirkan tuannya. Tanda dunia akhir zaman. Anak-anak yang memutuskan sama ada ibu-bapanya layak diberi wang atau tidak. Kalau mak bapak sudah ada gaji atau EPF yang banyak, atau adik-beradik lain yang bergaji lebih tinggi sudah bagi lebih dari RM5000 jadi tak perlulah bagi banyak sangat, mak bapak dah kaya, atau mak bapak tak pernah mintak pun, jadi buat apa bagi.

Aku hormat setinggi-tingginya anak-anak yang pandai mengatur nafkah untuk kerabat darah dagingnya.

Bila mak bapak besarkan kita, tidak ada dia fikir lebih baik beri yang pandai lebih banyak, atau yang lebih cantik lebih banyak kerana nanti di masa depan boleh dapat keuntungan balik.

_____________________

Bila kita pergi menziarah orang atau sebaliknya, terutama sekali yang kepada generasi muda tak dikenali sangat. Payahnya nak merasai apa itu rasa diraikan. Jarang benar aku nak jumpa wanita segenerasi aku yang mahu datang ke pintu menyebut, 'jemputlah masuk.'

Yang pandai cari tajuk perbicaraan, jauh sekali. Balik-balik tengok pe'el perempuan yang rasa janggal atau yang terus tunjuk perasaan tak setuju dengan pilihan teman suami atau isterinya. Either, she is too slutty, her hair is too blonde, her husband is so pretentious, she is too talkative-Kalau nak cari rumah siapa yang tenang untuk diziarah masihlah ke rumah orang-orang yang lebih tua, yang masih cuba sedaya-upaya to get to our level to grow the conversation topics.

Bingitnya dunia.

Yang menenangkan aku, bunyi burung yang ikhlas menyanyi diluar tingkap bilik setiap 4:30pagi. Burung tu langsung tak tau siapa yang dihiburnya, dia tak pun tahu bunyinya sedap sungguh didengar sampai aku rasa happy for it; sampai aku senyum kalau tersedar waktu yang sama.

Yang menenangkan aku, pergaduhan aku dengan anak lelaki ku bila dia tak mahu berhenti dari bukak peti ais, sekali setiap 15 minit, aku akan tinggikan suara, dia akan marah, frustrated dengan aku dan menangis, tapi dia akan menangis dalam pelukan aku dalam masa yang sama. Sedar agaknya dia, walaupun aku marah, aku tetap sayang kan dia.

Yang menenangkan aku, melihat wajah suamiku setiap keheningan subuh sebelum dia terjaga, yang mengingatkan aku Allah s.w.t itu Maha Pemurah. Bertahun sifat aku lupa dunia, di beri Nya juga aku jodoh.

.... akan aku kuatkan lagi azamku untuk menjauhi kebingitan. Supaya aku lebih dekat pada Mu.

To Embrace Chiang Mai.

"Lanna meaning one million. Thailand is the land of many many paddy fields. Especially Chiang Mai, we call it the land of one million paddy field."

"Oh, yes. My name is Nop. I hope you aaaa understand my English. Many white people say I speak very good broken English."

We giggled. It was my first visit to Chiang Mai, Thailand; was my first time leaving my little bundle who is now already 16 months old at home for three days. Of course, I went with half my heart behind.

My baby's two weeks unwashed pillow accompanied me. Yeah, so drama.

"Thailand is the land of a million paddy field and black magic. You don't go and simply accept a girl's offer to drink. Next thing you know, you are naked and you don't know where you are!" Nop smiled.

"Yeaahooooo, bagoosss!" ... that's one of our sexcited business partners.

He has gentle gestures, but I guess most Siamese men behave quite the same. The way his eyes moved from one of us tourist to another to check on our approval, tells me, he doesn't just want to guide us. He truly wants us to embrace Chiang Mai.

"Yes, it is the other way round here. Most of the women also got moustache, muscles and take part in Thai boxing."

..... it's only been 15 minutes since I set my foot away from my baby, but I was already intrigued.

___________________

I just realised how long it's been since I last bumped into an educator, or a passionate story teller.

...or more like, how long ago since I found myself curling around somebody's leg till he finish telling me something that feeds my soul. The only consolation is if I stumble upon a good blog or articles in weekend newspapers.

___________________

On the second day, we were set to go for our first touristy do, we were on the coach for 45 minutes to get to this Elephant camp called Maetamann. It's not like the one I've visited in Krabi where each elephant is just required to go through a fixed trail through-mostly, rubber estate or pineapple farm.

"In the past, Thailand employed our wealth of elephants to help us with logging. But when logging spoilt the structure of land fertility for our agriculture economy and on top of that, there were also illegal loggers by people from outside our country, the King had put a stop to such activity."

"What happened was, our elephants became unemployed."

"The idea of putting elephants as part of tourist itinearary was thought of by Thailand's 3rd princess. Not the two pretty, fashionable one, but the plain simple one."

"Elephants still need to eat and play. Logger elephants are used to being trained, told what to do and befriend human beings. The princess came out with a very structured plan to ensure Thai people receive fair chance to have jobs looking after elephants and look after happiness of tourists."

"Each elephant caretaker must have a licence and all elephants have ID. They must follow standards and guidelines to look after elephants."

There are only two types of elephants in this world; Asian and African.Many people regard the bigger sized ones as a differentiator between the two. Some says, the elephant which ears is in the shape of the African continent marks the difference.

Actually, it is the shape of the head. Asian elephants have two lumps on its head, African elephants have normal rounded top skull." Nop added.

I assume we were heading into a huge area with multiple elephant camps and we saw one with really rounded and tight belly.

"And yes, Asian elephants are smarter as its brains are bigger. It is the Asian elephants which are used to be trained for animal shows in zoos and circus.

Female elephants which are about to go through labour will employ the help of her best friend. It is difficult for them to find comfort during labour due to their size, it is not easy to rest and push.

As soon as the baby elephant comes out, the female 'friend' will then tear the birth bag, lick the calf clean and keep it away from its mom till her she gets enough rest. This is to ensure the calf is safe. Usually, when elephants are still in pain after giving birth will kick their calf aggressively when it is trying to look for its mom's teats. "

By this time, the rest of the people in our tour bus are asleep.

"Nop! In our country, I think we probably have only three elephant sanctuaries, one in Kuala Gandah, Pahang, one in Trengganu and one more in Sabah. But what really happen to our elephants as what I pick up from daily newspapers is, either they get hit by the timber or LNG lorries while crossing the highway, or they die slowly due to leg fracture if they fall into the big drain alongside our East Coast highway."

"The people of your country ought to get world recognition on all this effort, and that ugly princess of Thai should receive a nobel prize for this." I said.

..... until today, I could not help to think of how unfortunate M'sia is, we have so many Kings and so many types of endangered animals - both without much hope.